synapses

if words alone were sufficient, they would have fixed a lot of things. but they're not. neither are the memories of what the eyes offered in the absence of words. nothing will ever be enough.

nostalgia

these are coffee mornings again
filled with the bitter-sweet
the sweet-bitter

Woman = Vagina

i wake up to mornings of protests
i see your face and a line you've scribbled on your blog
-The problem was being a woman.

yet i also know you would never want to be anything else if you had a choice.
only as a girl you can see the suffering that emerges from being the one with an opening between your thighs. only that makes you vulnerable to infections and compassionate toward the others who are like you

Kickstarter

i learned little things in the year i left behind.
 hearts can be broken over and over again.
 the one who heals is also capable of inflicting pain.
some things, i re-learned.
 nothing beats friendship. words, an embrace, or even just silence and you know as long as there are friends around, you'll be alright eventually.
 you are responsible for yourself.
i discovered
 a quiet evening at home is more fulfilling than Thamel's neon lights.
 a friend's smile is more comforting than the leftovers of late afternoon sex.  
 caring for puppies is more rewarding than taking care of confused grown-up men
and i know
 i want to make more friends and share my love with as many people as possible without fearing i will get hurt again

 never will i wait for the calendar to flip, waiting for the moment to make small but meaningful changes in my life.

RIP Kali

Kali succumbed to liver failure, tumor and paralysis. 

Everywhere
dogs die.
Why should anyone care they have souls and bodies that feel pain? And sometimes puppies, who don't yet know how to walk.

P.S. Kali was called Black Sea by those who adopted her and abandoned her. The people that bought the house that was Kali's and threw her out have three thin, unhappy dogs now.

i should have taken a picture of Kali with her puppies. at least there, i could have kept them united.

Kali

I will never forget the way Kali looked at me, as the man from the KAT centre put her into the van. She looked at me to tell me she was helpless. For two days, she hasn't been able to get on her feet. She hasn't even been able to lift her head to eat. The centre says they might have to inject her- mercy killing they call it.
She has a huge tumor in her tummy. How did she raise five puppies in there with a tumor, I can only keep wondering about. How did she jump about trying to protect her babies? How did she fight all the male dogs in the locality with such a huge tumor in her stomach? Must lives end when they become filled with suffering?

Kali's family is scattered all over Kathmandu today. Kali at the centre, the black pup in Chobhar, the black one with a white stripe on the neck in Ganesh Basti, the black one with white patches somewhere in Hepali heights, then the eldest black and the little brown one, still in the pen, yelping under the hens.

Maybe Kali continues to yelp too in pain. She might never have a chance to say goodbye to her children.