I'm not this

I have had no epiphany. Except, I'm that person who likes sitting at her desk all day. Of late, my head has felt very very crowded and I'm constantly looking for a place to bury my anger. Anger, that's been building up over the years. Mostly from having done so little for myself.

I have started to feel like my life has no purpose. Can eating three meals a day, transitioned by a snack, walking two kilometres and doing a job be enough? I'm grateful for everything, but something doesn't add up. 

Every morning, I wake up to the rainbow on my walls, thrown in by the lights creeping past the curtain and I think it must mean something. There's got to be more to me.

boredom

 there are days when your head pools in blue, not the colour of the sky but navy blue, the colour of distance, nervousness, and a bit of anger. it doesn't take much for the mind to get in that territory. not these days. these days, the days stretch like a chorus-- the kinds that make our insides want to burst into something. but we hold on to a sliver of hope somewhere, the promise of quiet that is set to find us.

a house of my own

I love October skies. And walks around this time are the best. I haven't been able to walk much lately because I've been sick again. But the attempt is to do two kilometres a day. It's not much, but at least it is something.

Another favourite thing to do is to look out of my window at the trees and the sky.

Last week, I went towards Chunikhel. The roads are calm and not at all polluted. And the villagers all know each other so they give me stares or curious looks, which is all fine. I don't much mind it. But it also makes me think if they think of as an intruder. Families like ours who bought their land and changed things for them. We make things expensive and life more challenging for the locals. We're all colonizers when we can be.

There are temples everywhere this side. 

How much we need temples for survival, the Nepali people. We build them everywhere we go. 

And while I'm not into rituals, I do like looking at temples. I find them pretty. And it makes me wonder what someone was thinking when they were building them. And by that I don't mean the people who planned the construction, but the ones who employed hands and head to build them.

Anyway.

It's a Monday today and the best thing to do in life is to sit at my desk, tapdancing on the keyboard.

Stray but important thought:

In the months ahead, I hope to set up my own room where I will write my essays from. That's going to be the focus of my life hereon.