Just some unfinished tea

 Dear Germie,

I'm sitting here in a cafe near my home, where I normally come to sit and work from and be alone. Sometimes, to meet friends. Today, to be the invisible companion of a film star (Rajesh Hamal)

I met a friend today, who had a warm conversation with me about the ways he thinks he's weird. And he gave me some examples of how he has small difficulties that can become major-- like drinking water. He has the fear of drinking water. Like I have the fear of crowded spaces.

My fears are abundant-- most of them are related to just being and loving. I've always felt deprived of love even when I was loved to death. But I'm learning now that much of how I feel comes from being neurodivergent. It's been such a revelation!

I wish I was sitting here writing you a nice letter. Instead, this is just me rambling and giving you life updates. I wish you would give me yours. I wish you would use your witch powers to manifest a meeting for us in Malaysia. I've never been to Malaysia. And I haven't seen you for fifteen years. It would be quite nice.

I imagine we would spend every day of our time there talking into the night and then fall asleep surrounded by books and things. That's how our dorm room was back in Katipunan. Books, biscuit and chocolate wrappers and us. Your sprawled on the bed reading. Me, gathered in my corner of the room, writing away on my new acer. You, speaking Taglish and sometimes Visayas on the phone, as early as 6am. Me, stuttering away in Newa once in a while when we got Skype to work. 

Small pleasures that made us whole.

I miss you, Germie. And I miss talking to you about things. About how I'm tired of seeking love. How I wish men came with a sense of loyalty and how I know I don't need men to love me and yet I seek so much. I wish I could tell you: I'm tired of having my heart broken and yet, I offer it to be broken every single time. Maybe it's time to find my own version of Ja.

For now, here's some unfinished tea for you. I miss you.