i have always been inadequate. but it's only once in a while that i respond to my own inadequacies. for instance today, when you were looking at me the same way you did in summer. i needed you to look away just so that i didn't have to remind myself how short i am of love.
i do not have your capacity for selflessness, your absolute lack of possessiveness and your giving streak. i'm selfish. i love with a need if ever i do. or i don't love at all. even in that love, there is always inadequacy.
people who can love seem like gods to me. (what are gods?) i mean, they can't be normal?!
what does it take to love without thinking about oneself? when will i learn to love and just love and shut away my jealousy, madness and the need to possess.
when will i even learn to love?
i've lived with dogs all my life and envied their selflessness. and to think they never rubbed their capacity of unconditional love on me!
i feel like i'm closing. closing like the rusty tobacco tin which won't open in "Beloved". there will be rustles when you try to pull me open but you will never be able to open it. coz when i shut, i do it just so that you can't find me.
what do i do of this little thing i feel for you which makes my chest tight like it did when you looked at me today?
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on what life meant to make out of faith
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