Sing me to sleep

“I’m going to sleep.”

“It’s funny that one can decide when we want to go to sleep, don’t you think?” she asked.

“I don’t know. I’m so sleepy.”

The sounds of the night turned on then. The crickets screeched. But they were only inside her head. The gecko said its own name thrice, took a break and said it again; five more times. She has never seen the gecko however and has wondered what it might look like, whenever she’s heard the sound.

“Good luck! I hope you see the gecko someday! You will be missed!” Angela had left a note on her desk the day she was leaving. But no luck. She still hadn’t seen one. Only the sound of it calling out to itself, the way one might do on sleepless nights.

wounded walking

I’m a walking wound.
My face— the part that went down on the road crashing, bangs like a soft drum under my skin. It’s a perpetual drumming under my left cheek.
I feel like i have half a face now. the other half is numb. only the throbbing half has any existence. you are if you throb. if you’re numb, you’re invisible.
then there are bruises. my legs. my bottom. i have one bigger side than the other since the accident.
i don’t actually look wounded, but I’m made up of seething sighs right now. 

Ineedtogrowroots

It has started to dawn on me that I have no roots. Not even in Kathmandu, which has always been my home. The older I grow, the harder I find it, to associate with places and things and people. I have begun to feel like what I need to do in life is to let a place grow on me now, so that I can allow roots to grow under me and help me find stability. I haven't been able to grow roots, because all my life, I have run. Mostly from pain, but also from pleasure and love. I've been so afraid of love. I need to unlearn everything and learn. I need to learn to accept love. I need to grow roots.

Time warp

I feel like the Kathmandu in my memory is now imaginary. It is rife with the feelings I have attached to it, most of which is love for you all I left behind when I moved here. But when I see pictures of Kathmandu on the news, it is a bit jarring as I'm reminded again of how much anxiety I experienced because of everything around me. The stray dogs and cows and their suffering. The stress to get to work on time and not be late. The pressure from different people around me to do things or to deliver this and that. This and that. Literally. And I often feel that I was trying to cram so much into my days in Kathmandu, that felt limited. There never seemed to be enough time for anything. But here, I seem to have so much time and no one to meet or to do anything for. My days are usually spread wide across space and time. Space-- which is wide open spaces and pretty skies and beautiful trees. Time-- which is just about punctuating my day with things to do. Much of it is work and that is taken care of. Work has always had its way of taking care of me. I'm allowing it to do that for me right now. I'm working and teaching. And that keeps my mind on its toes. I feel that if this year is taken care of, the next year will find some direction as well. You know how ironic this sounds... people often try to save time, wait to do things within so little time. Here, I don't think of saving time. I have enough time to just sit and stare at the sky, at strangers, do whatever might help me pass my days. Have you ever known this kind of luxury? Have you ever know this kind of a trapping of time? It's like a time warp.

Meet my neighbours

As I was getting off my bicycle in front of my house yesterday, I fell down with a loud thump. I was wearing a skirt and it got tangled on the seat. The sound of me landing on my bottom, brought my neighbours to my rescue. It was the mother and her two children.

Embarrassed, I collected myself, and said hello to them, bringing my hands together in a Sawadee. I was trying to laugh at myself, but my neighbour took worried.

"You must be Bea!" I said. "I met your husband Ae, the other day."
She said, "Yes. And where are you from?"
"From Nepal."
"My teacher is from Nepal," said the eight-year-old, standing in her tow. He explained to me that his teacher from Nepal teaches them environmental science.
"Then you have to tell your teacher you have a neighbour from Nepal!" I said. Then I asked him his name and he said, "Tea! My name is Tea."
"Wow!" I said, surprised at how the names in the family come together like a fragrant little nursery rhyme.
Still embarrassed from my fall, I dragged my bicycle inside the gate, as Tea helped me. I forgot to ask Tea's little sister her name, but I told her I have a nephew close to her age and Tea said, but I'm sure she's more naughty than him!
I smiled and then we all said see you later and went indoors.

Bittersweet morning in ChiangMai

I live a good 30 minutes walking distance from the entrance gate to my village. I started walking toward it this morning, as I was planning on getting a grab (the local version of Uber) when I got to the gate. It's cheaper by 50 baht. When I arrived near the lotus, which is a five minute walk from my house, a car slowed down and stopped and the door opened.

A lady around Mamu's age put out her head and asked me something. I said I don't speak Thai and walked closer to the car. She then asked me in English if I was going to the gate and if I wanted a ride. I said she was very kind and I got in.

In the front seat was an elderly white gentleman; frail looking, who smiled.

The lady asked me if I was from Singapore. I said, Nepal. And she said, Oh! Nepal!.

I said she was very kind and thanked her and in the conversation that transpired, she told me they were going to hospital. I asked if everything was okay and she pointed to the gentleman and said, we just found out he has cancer.

My heart sank and I said, I'm very sorry to hear. And she said, we will get through this. He will be okay. When I got off, I had thanked them at least six times and I was already saying a prayer for John, who's frail and for Apple, who radiates with positive energy.
 

I bleed

All morning, it has rained and I have been having angry discussions on menstruation. In case you're wondering where it came from, here is the root:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p06zxwq0
All women have difficult relationships with menstruation. We rejoice while we're menstruating, because it is a sign of our fertility. It means we still have the power of creating another human. Imgine, an entirely new person in flesh and blood who can think, talk, poo, pee, shout, litter, clean, breathe, and add more chaos.
We also live in anxiety about the arrival of our period month after month. And live through cramps and mood swings when they arrive.
The long as short of the entire discussion around isolation of women during their period for me is, that this time in women's lives has been used in some societies as a means to psychologically weaken them. As if the physical suffering brought on by nature wasn't enough!