Stop this madness

Madness is a distant dream
that I wanted to touch
like it were something
tangible.
I was thinking
it was going to be
of flesh and bones
warm here
cool there,

soft-supple-firm

just like you

but madness,
is only make-believe

Lame new year post

This year will be new. I've decided.
Last year, I made no decisions to begin with. But changes happened.
I quit a job I had worked over a decade at. I ventured into fresh territories without thinking much about consequences.
I let new friends warm my heart. I allowed new loves to approach me.
In all of this, my heart grieved what I had lost. Refused to budge. So, for now, the heart will have to be calm and wait for this to pass. Everything passes in time. Maybe heartbreaks do, too. And maybe they turn into calluses-- thick and deep and unforgiving.
But we are about fresh starts today. We shall do things that make us stronger and happier.

I want a good bra

All I'm asking for is a good bra. A bra that doesn't give me backaches. One that doesn't dig marks into my shoulders. I want a bra that holds my breasts comfortably so that my underarm muscles don't have to strain. I want my bra to keep my breasts where they belong so that the muscles around my neck don't have to feel like they are being dragged down. I want a bra that is kind.

tearing

it would be easier
to come apart
altogether

this constant tearing
i cannot stand

i miss you

you are caught
in my breathing
like absence

veil

i crop my hair short in an attempt to look like a man. i want to learn to think like a man, so that letting go is all about not hurting.
i try to get a fringe, in imitation of someone who I think is loved. but my fringe is all wrong and crooked. my hair is wiry and thick. not silky and supple
i will never be who i am not
i am not a man
i am not the girl with the beautiful fringe
i will have to be content with who i am
i am the one you detest

start again

we've stepped into a new year again, with you and i apart.

some days i pray for these tears to turn to dust. for dust to cover me, so that i can't see you and you can no more find me.

some days, all i want is to touch your face again. sometimes, every moment is about wanting to see your face.