slip

i want to get away from myself for a while- from my nightmares, my longings, my dreams, inadequacies, cringing heart, a spinning head, a bleeding body and this need to live and succeed. i want to learn what you say is compassion. teach me how to give

come back

always,
always, there is this hollow
of the shoulder bones
when you leave the room,
sinking deeper
into the waves
they conceal underneath,
as though you were
a ship headed home
and i the novice swimmer-
forgotten.

come back.
oar me for a split second?

tattoo

i like it when i'm up in the insane hours of the morning, just to be alone with thoughts of a you, who doesn't even exist. come and rub a tattoo on my back the day you step out of that silhouette. i am waiting.

ACT

this isn't easy-

pretending
there never were
words
on this space,
set aside for you

am wide awake

i am back to my 4:30 in the morning sked. crawling out of bed is still an ordeal. i check myself in the mirror just once, and confirm you are still there. i unload my nightmares there, change and brace the kathmandu cold. there is some comfort in that distance between you and i. in knowing you will never be the man in proximity to hurt me- not with your muscles, not with the sweetness that clings to my fantasy.

Dear Blue Stole,

How much I have hated you, just because your warmth forever reminds me of my inadequacy to return what you give me. And yet, when I am cold, I snuggle close to you.

In 2010,

I discovered that you don't have to give up on confidence forever- that one doesn't have to live in a pit- I learnt that making resolutions are easier than living up to them- that telling yourself you will learn to love is easier than actually falling in love- that you can fall in love with a stranger over four cups of tea and never forget him and his poetry- that poetry is what makes you ache- that you could be sitting with someone at a McDonald's and suddenly know you were connected for life, even if you are forever inadequate and never learn to "fall" in love- that it becomes increasingly impossible to fall in love with men instantly if you are more comfortable being married to your profession- that you will probably never fall in love if you are content with going to bed with books, instead of a man- that it's okay to never put that lingerie to use because there is no man in your life you want to wear it for- that there is a lot of pain and comfort in learning to take care of a needy child- that there are so many people in this world who are always making the world a better place to live in- that the younger generation will always be smarter and will make you proud, especially with that they write- that the first few strands of gray in your hair does not mean men don't want you anymore- that there is immense joy in falling in love with animals and becoming vegetarian- that you cannot keep your home neat if you live with a puppy who thinks she owns the place and is free to nibble at the carpet, sleep on your bed or play fetch with cushions- that there will always be cures for heartbreaks- that rape and violence are never only things you read about- that miscarriages are not the end of the world- that lost girlfriends come back to you and fill your world with laughter- that you are getting used to spending more time online (and without any guilt) rather than talking to your parents and siblings- that the only reason you love your uncles and aunts sometimes, is because they gave you great cousins- that it doesn't kill you to sprint between work and home every single day and snack on the same thing every day at 6 pm- that technology is a great joy- that you still love the feel of newspapers every morning and the smell of books at night- that global warming is changing your world, and you will never buy a car- that there isn't much to do about sagging breasts and dry skin besides getting a good moisturizer and the correct cup size- that the dark circles surrounding your eyes from too many hours of sleeplessness and crying is there to stay and to remind you of a man who drove you to the brink of madness- that hard work and sincerity are what your soul need to stay alive- that the best thing to have in your bag on a madly busy working day is a bar of snickers- that your best friend doesn't mean it when she says she never wants to talk to you again- that your best buddy means it when he says he's going to be there- that every male friend you are close to does not think of you as flesh- that former lovers will forever be in love with you and you will forever love them- that you can never anticipate what the next day will bring, but you will still enjoy your petite meals, wear comfortable shoes, think of God once in a while, (pretend s/he exists and ask that a few things be fixed) and love, no matter how inadequate you will forever be at it.
2010 has prepared me to live...